Depressed
by Cookie-the-Rookie
Summary: Life is survival of the fittest; to survive you have to be strong both physically and mentally. Toushiro thought physical strength was all he needed, when he loses his mental strength, bad things happen. WARNING:cutting/selfharm
1. Depressing Thoughts

Depressed:

Chapter 1: Depressing Thoughts

Summary: Life is survival of the fittest; to survive you have to be strong both physically and mentally. Toushiro thought physical strength was all he needed, when he loses his mental strength, bad things happen.

Warnings: Cutting/Self harm/depressing thoughts

Authors comments: I was surprised how easy it was to write this. I wrote it in one night. Takes place about a month after the winter war.

A millimeter is as thick as a fingernail.

Adversity has always been the norm of my life. My earliest memories are of being the outcast of my Rukongai district and being called a demon. My past is filled with pain and hurt.

There are many reasons for my depression. The first is: Momo Hinamori.

The light of my life was my childhood friend Momo. She had always been there for me. We grew up together after our deaths in the real world; she had been a sister to me. Seeing her mental and physical state after Aizen's defect just killed me. I don't think she realizes just how much her pain hurts me. I feel twice as much pain as she does whenever something happens to her. I would move the earth and heaven to see her happy. When I realized that it was her instead Aizen I stabbed in the winter war I felt so frustrated and hurt.

After that, she nearly died. She was in a coma for weeks and it was ALL my fault They told me she'd survive it, and she did, slowly, but it still killed me on the inside.

The actual cutting started on accident. I'd been sheathing Hyourinmaru after a day of training, and I somehow managed to accidentally nick myself. To my defense, I had a lot on my mind when that happened. Anyway, the pain wasn't much. It was just a tiny sting, but at that moment, I felt I was getting what I deserved. Was this the justice Tousen always talked about? It sure felt like it.

It was Hyourinmaru that brought me out of my stupor. He asked me if I was alright, which was, in my mind a ridiculous question because I was a captain and there was no way I could be hurt by a tiny cut! But I told him I was fine and put a bandage on it later on.

End of story, right? Not exactly.

That evening I was in my bathroom after brushing my teeth. I rinsed my face and looked at my reflection in the mirror when I saw the bandage on my arm. I was longing the sting again. I felt I needed it. I needed to pay for hurting Momo!

I scavenged through all the drawers in my room before I found what I was looking for. A small razor, I forgot I had it but I was glad I found it. When I reached my bathroom again and stared at myself in the mirror. I lifted up my left hand and ripped the bandage from earlier that day from it. I lifted a trembling hand - which was weird, was I trembling? – and pressed the tip of the small blade to my wrist. I dragged down, not adding pressure just yet. I needed to tease myself first. I repeated the action, again. I mentally roared at myself, it was too late to turn back now, I reminded myself. I ignored Hyourinmaru's scolding in my head and I brought the razor to my wrist again. This time I pressed the blade into my wrist a little and dragged down.

The pain came right away. It stung and for a moment I just stood there, reveling in the moment. I deserved this for hurting Momo, she was in a coma because of me!

The sight of my blood snapped me out of my stupor. The cut was about five inches long going straight down my arm and about two millimeters deep. The blood was descending down my arm, about to reach the sleeve of my pajamas shirt.

I grabbed a hand towel and pressed it to the cut while I opened the cabinet above my sink. I grabbed some ointment that was made to stop bleeding. I removed the now blood soaked towel, opened the small bottle and poured some of the liquid onto the cut. Then I reached for some medical gauge from the cabinet. I wrapped my arm. When I finished I threw the blood-soaked towel into the clothes bin, and put the rest of the medical gauge and the ointment into the cabinet and closed it.

Then I turned off the bathroom light and stepped out of the bathroom. I turned off the lights in my bedroom and went and laid down in my futon. As I laid there I could think of nothing more than the cut that now throbbed lightly. I craved more of that pain but I restrained myself. I needed sleep and there would be a lot of stress and work tomorrow.

I soon fell asleep with those thoughts.

- BleachBleachBleach-

The next morning I awoke at about eight and got dressed for work as usual. As I left my quarters I made sure not to let any traces of my ordeal show. The war had caused changes for everyone. It didn't matter how small I looked, these people needed someone to be strong and someone to look up to.

I made my way the fourth division first. It was the first thing I did everyday, go and see Momo to see if she was okay.

"Good morning, Hitsugaya-taichou." A female fourth division member greeted me. "What do you need?" The question annoyed me. I had been coming here every day for a month straight and they asked me the same question every day.

"I'm here to see Hinamori." No calling her Momo in public, it'd make me look bad, calling her by her last name even though I insist people call me by mine.

"Hinamori-san woke up last night and asked for you. She's sleeping now." Though I kept my face blank, I was inwardly happy-dancing. She woke up! She wasn't going to die!

"Thank you." I said simply.

I entered her room and instantly saw Momo on the bed, sleeping. She was going to be out any day now, it was just a matter of gaining her strength, both physically and mentally.

I'm a coward. I carefully plan out the time that I visit her to make sure I never see her when she is awake. I just can't stand the idea of her looking up at me from a hospital bed when _I'm _the reason she's here in the first place.

I thought about how great she looked now, in comparison to how she looked a month ago, with a those wires attached to her, her face pale and her hair stringy and all her breaths labored. Now she looked just about normal, her skin back to her regular complexion.

"Mmm…" I tensed as the figure on the bed shifted. "Shiro-chan… is that you?"

There it was! The voice was just as I imagined it, just as it had been all our lives. It was the voice that I had been longing to hear for a long time.

"Shiro-chan?"

There was no response, of course. Because I was gone.

-BleachBleachBleach-

'_Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!' _I mentally cursed myself, just outside of my office. Covering like that was soo like me! She was trying to talk to me and I chickened out and flash-stepped away, because I was too ashamed to look at her.

I opened the door to my office and flicked on the lights. It didn't surprise me that Matsumoto wasn't there, she hardly ever was. I slammed the door shut behind me and slumped in my chair as I sat. there were two stacks of paperwork on my desk and one on Matsumoto's.

Ever since the war things have been upside down here and the paperwork was more than ever. There were shinigami in the fourth division for treatment left and right.

I reached for some paperwork and my pen and got started. As I worked I could feel the cut on my arm throbbing. The dull throbbing in my arm, I ignored.

~End of Chapter~

AUTHORS NOTE

I wanted to read a story about self-harm that included Toushiro. I couldn't find much so I decided to write one.

Please review in detail! I want critique but no trolling please!


	2. Fit of Depression

Depressed:

Chapter 2: Fit of Depression

Summary: Life is survival of the fittest; to survive you have to be strong both physically and mentally. Toushiro thought physical strength was all he needed, when he loses his mental strength, bad things happen.

Warnings: Cutting/Self harm

Authors comments: I started writing this the same night as the first chapter.

-TIMESKIP, ONE MONTH-

"Why do I of all people have to be addicted to this shit?" I hiss to myself as I drag a small pocketknife across the side of my arm. The cut it leaves is only an inch long. Any more than that and I would be at it all day. The sting of the cut is amazing. I let out a small groan as it stings then throbs. I spit on my finger and smear it on it.

The pain is slightly therapedic. I sigh in content and the pain dulls slightly. I spill some ointment there and bandage it, my routine for every night.

That's right, _every night_. I've become addicted to this. The pain is intoxicating. I started cutting myself to punish myself for hurting Momo during the winter war. That changed a while ago, when she started doing her duties again and I just… couldn't stop. Whenever I go more than a day without cutting I feel weird. I get squeamish and it feels like all my scars start singing.

Usually I just open one of my old scars. It satisfies me. Tonight was different. I was craving more. I rubbed my old scars and scratched off scabs, but I still wasn't satisfied. I needed more… more pain. So I cut a new one, a small new one.

That's my secret. I only cut small ones.

Maybe I should explain more. I am currently located in my private bathroom, crouched on the floor. I'm already wearing my pajamas, a blue checkered outfit and white socks. I roll up the sleeves whenever I cut myself.

After reveling in the pain for a small while longer, I apply ointment to stop the bleeding and roll out some medical gauge and apply it to my arm. My left arm has small scars from the elbow to the wrist now. The scars aren't that much, mostly because I usually just open old scars. I have less than ten scars on my arm.

I keep the cutting at a minimum, so that in case anybody was to see the scars, I can just say I got them during the Winter War or in a training accident. Though I do try to make sure no one finds out about it. I make sure my arm is always bandaged and that the bandages are covered by sleeves. Either way, it is nearly impossible for someone to see the scars.

I have a captains' meeting this morning. Whenever I have captains' meetings I make sure to cover my bandaged arm carefully. I can't think of a worse place for my cutting to be discovered than at a captains meeting.

I put on all my clothes and look in the mirror. I look normal enough. This will be a short meeting, anyway.

The meeting was taking a little while longer than I expected. But I was normal; I took my place as usual. Nothing was out of the ordinary. The only thing that was out of the ordinary was the fact that all my scars suddenly turned sore on my way to the meeting, but I knocked my bandaged arm on the walls several times, hoping that it would sustain me until after the meeting. It seemed to be doing the trick.

Towards the end of the meeting, I noticed the other captains looking at me strangely. Sou-taichou glances at me and clears his throat.

"Hitsugaya-tachiou, do you have a problem?" I was startled.

"No?" It sounded more like a question than a statement to me.

"Then why are you dripping blood all over my floor?" My eyes snapped to the ground, and, to my amazement there is a small pool of blood on the next to my body, on the left side. I look to my left arm, the only logical source of blood, and to my horror, my wrist and hand are bloody.

I only just now notice the dampness of my sleeve. How had I not noticed before? It was beyond me. I noticed the medical gauge that had been wrapped around my arm had somehow come undone. To my dismay there were dried blood splotches on the bandages, which fell out of my sleeve.

Apparently, some of my cuts had opened from when I banged my arm on the wall earlier I had opened some cuts. I was horrified. The realization that all the other captains had seen it angered me slightly.

I hurriedly re-bandaged my arm and stepped away from the small pool of blood. I could treat the wounds later.

I hoped that no one would mention it. Sou-taichou repeated his earlier question, to which I replied I was fine.

The meeting continued for minutes more, though I paid no mind to it. I tried to ignore Ukitake-taichou's worried glances toward me.

"Meeting adjourned." Came Sou-taichou's voice. Finally. As soon as I heard that I turned on my heel and fled, even as I saw Ukitake and Kyouraku coming towards me.

I try to escape but they're too quick. They had me cornered (or so it felt) in an instant.

"How did you get those scars on your arm, Shiro-chan?" Kyouraku-taichou asked. I nearly gaped at the fact that his usual playful attitude was gone, replaced by seriousness that even reached his eyes.

"Training accident…" I murmur as I start to turn around, but I'm too slow and Kyouraku snatches my left arm. I wince but otherwise do nothing. I know the lie is ridiculous because I haven't left my office long enough to actually get some real training done in weeks. It's talk among the other captains that I'll soon grow over-worked and lazy.

"You got that many scars training?" This time it's Ukitake. There is hurt in his voice and I can't bring myself to look him in the eyes

"Yes. I haven't trained in a while so it only makes sense that I'd be a little rusty, right?" I mentally swear myself for being so Gin Ichimaru-like. "Now if you'll excuse me I have a pile of paperwork on my desk that's not going to do itself." In one motion a jerked my arm from Kyouraku's grip. I flash-stepped away without sparing them a glance.

-TO UNOHANA – NO POV

Unohana Retsu frowned as the white haired chibi-taichou fled the room. She was no fool. She had seen his left arm when he had raised it to bandage it. For a few moments while the bandage wasn't properly on him she could see the scars.

Unohana knew exactly how self-inflicted injuries looked, and those were the perfect example of them. She wasn't particularly worried about the bleeding cuts, any minor healing kido could heal it. She was concerned about a cut that looked to be about nearly half an inch and was dark then light in certain areas.

'He must have reopened it.' She thought. 'And more than once too.'

-RETURNING TO TOSHIRO- HIS POV

I sat behind my desk, supposedly doing paperwork, though my gaze and pen lingered on one sentence of some report. Surprisingly, Matsumoto was at her desk doing paperwork, though I didn't linger on that.

The thing that was really on my mind was what happened at the captains meeting.

They had to have seen the bleeding. It was impossible not to notice that.

I sigh as I await the drama I don't want but I know will come.

Sorry if you feel this is short! Till next time!


	3. End of the Depression

Depressed:

Chapter 3: End of the Depression

Summary: Life is survival of the fittest; to survive you have to be strong both physically and mentally. Toushiro thought physical strength was all he needed, when he loses his mental strength, bad things happen.

Warnings: Cutting/Self harm/depressing thoughts

Authors comments: I meant to write this sooner!

~~Start Chapter~~

_Three weeks later- _

I was surprised when, after three weeks, no confrontation came. The idea that all the other captains (minus Komamura and Kuchiki) could mind their own business greatly surprised me, and I wondered just what had happened. The only captain that I was really expecting was Unohana, because she was a healer and she was most-likely to make a big deal of it, but she didn't. I didn't question any of the other captains about it because I didn't want to push my luck.

On the very night of (almost) being discovered, I decided to stop my cutting. I was the only one who thought I needed punishment for stabbing Momo, even she had forgiven me. It was far to close a call last time and I don't want to risk it again. I figured not cutting myself anymore would be pretty easy. Boy was I wrong. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to go more than ten minutes without thinking about cutting, or the scars singing.

I wanted to cut myself so badly at times it seemed I would die if I didn't. But I resisted. I came up with the perfect strategy to stop myself from thinking about cutting; I drown myself in my work. Be it paperwork, visiting the academy to promote my division, or fighting hollows. I make sure I completely put my mind to anything I do.

I plan to never cut myself ever again.

XXXXXXXXX

_I really don't care if I get flames for suddenly ending this. I dove headfirst into this story and now I have no idea where I'm going with it. I'm sure none of you want to read a bunch of chapters about Toushiro cutting himself. (if you do, you have problems)._

_I'm planning a much bigger story, which will need all of my attention. I didn't want to abandon this story, which is what would have happened had I not ended it. The bigger story I'm planning is going to be call the Eternal Night series. It's about ten human children who are kidnapped by Aizen and given hollow abilities to fight in the war. It will involve all my oc's, and will cover a lot of topics, like reincarnation and time travel. _

_I want you all to read that story! The prologue will be out by September first. Please stick around for it! And read some of my other stories!_


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